"Blank" walks into a bar jokes.

Post any "something walks into a bar" jokes here. See if we get some good ones.

I'll start then:


A duck walks into a bar, he says to the barman "got any bread?"

barman says "nah this is a pub we don't sell bread", the duck leaves.

The duck comes back the next any "got any bread?" bar says"No I told you yesterday this is a pub we don't do bread"

Anyway this goes on for a week. On the last day the duck asks again"got any bread?" again the barman says"no this is a pub we don't do bread." As the duck is leaving the barman shouts after him"you come in asking for bread once more I'm gonna nail your beak tto the bar!"

The next day the duck walks into the bar again. "we got any nails mate?" he asks the barman.

The barman replies "no" looking confused.

The duck says "good, have you got any bread then?"

The same duck went into a chemist and asked for a Condom. The assistant said, "Shall I put it on your Bill ?"
The duck said, " Don't be friggin Stupid."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, "That's disgusting."

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD."

A priest a rabbi and a shaman walk into a bar, sit at the counter and all ask for a beer.
The bartender looks them all over and says, "What is this, a joke?!"

A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll tell you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad." "Such as?" asks the patron. "Do you ever go down on her?" The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!" "I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing." "I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!" Our hero stumbles in the house blind drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response in incredible! Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle. "I don't know how you beat me in here." he says "But be quick! I've got an emergency!" "Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender give a shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. "Bartender! Give another shot!" He takes the shot then looks in his pocket." He says "Bartender give another shot." He takes the shot then looks in his pocket.

The bartender says, "Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?"

"I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I'll go home!"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "So which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here? and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

DRINKING VOCABULARY CHALLENGE

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate


Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

lol ok ok i got baaaad ones

Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and starts boastin "i am the hardest piece of tarmac in this bar, pour me a beer" so the barman does so and the tarmac sits down and starts to drink moments later in walks this green bit of tarmac and the black bit rushes off his stool and dives into the toilets to hide, he waits an waits until the green bit eventually leaves and sits back down and the abrman turns to him and says "I thought u said u were the hardest piece of tarmac in this pub? why were u hidin when he came in?"
The black piece respondes " i may be hard but hes a proper cyclepath" lol

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w @nker.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

Warning: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.

So this guy walks into a bar...



....ouch!

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
hehe